dont think i wrote this because of you...

So I woke up this morning a lot better... but I am becoming so confused.
One day I miss him, the next I dont give a shit, then I hate him... now, well... now i just dont know anymore.
Last night was just so ridiculous... I cried more than day one.
My mom asked me if I wanted him back... I told her no, first off for the fact that I could never bring him home again, friends or not. Also, I think this was a good thing. I have my faults, and he has his, and I think the whole break up kind of accentuated them. I know I need to change, I'm not stupid, but it is not something that will change overnight. And if I needed to lose someone I loved so very dearly, well... at least I now know how real my faults are, and I can change myself for the better instead of continuing my life in such a depressed manner.
But back to the confusion...
I probably should have known this was going to happen, because this is how I am. I guess all I needed was a week of anger to subside before I realized, but I have a problem with letting go of the past. Not neccessarily leaving it the way in which it was, but at least not forgetting it. I couldn't imagine giving so much of my life to one person, and then never seeing them again. You can't forget memories, and I don't want to, because it is a part of my life, a good part of my life. No matter what occurred, not all of it was bad. If I was so horrible, or if he was, this relationship would have never made it as long as it did. So maybe we weren't made to be together, but the times we did enjoy together are at least worth a friendship. A good friendship also. He had my heart, I had his, we shared so much together, maybe even things I will never be able to share with another, and that means something to me. Maybe he could care less, but I won't know unless I ask. I mean, he did mention the whole friendship thing, and at the time, the whole idea hurt me. But now, thinking about it... I don't know, it's not so horrible. And maybe we can still help one another. It would be so nice to just be sitting in his apartment again, watching basketball, instead of me sitting here trying to teach myself everything and just upsetting myself because we could be doing it together. I don't know... I am probably just rambling right now, but that's how my mind is at the moment, incapable of keeping a coherent thought. I just wish I had the nerve to bring it up. I mean, after all that has happened, I wouldn't blame him for finding this ridiculous of me, but I am a girl, and we are ridiculous. Sometimes we just need that grace period to get our thoughts together. But who knows, tomorrow may be different for me, as long as no one ends up iming me and bringing up things I don't want to know, I don't see my mind changing. And even though I am mentioning this, does not mean I will definately go along with it. It is still early.


so, after an almot 2 hr conversation... i am good. not happy, but content, content as i can be. I cried more tonight than I had any other night. REALLY ANGRY TEARS, as well as really good ones. I think things will be alright, though they aren't there just yet. The thought he was w another girl so quickly is still killing me and probably will until I find myself someone else, but there is nothing I can do about that. We both said what was needed to be said, and it felt good. It feels good to know he will always be there for me. It felt good to know he will always love me, because that is all I wanted to hear. To know that someone out there will be careing about me, it feels amazing. So because we both know it was not going to work out... bc of me... is alright now. Seeing some1 else see me the way in which i know i am, but try to hide from, is probably the best thing that has happened to me. and once again I am rambling, and tears are still streaming down my face, but I need to post this just because it is something i need to keep...

DayUMTaRa (1:35:21 AM): dont hesitate to IM me or nething, it would actually make things a lot easier,, i think. just 2 things - 1... if u sleep w angela ever again i will personally beat u up, its for ur own good. and 2, as a friend... I love you, please dont forget that.
thedago21 (1:36:21 AM): it goes without saying i still love you

I hope you know I will most certainly be making an appearance at your apartment soon, and I hope your pillows are fluffed, bc all I want is to lye in your bed with you and hold you like we use to and know that i didn't lose anything, but instead gained an amazing friend.
I love you...


(no subject)

Because things havent been bad enough.
Problems with friends, whether im involved or not...
I just can't believe this.
All I wanted was for him to get out of my life.
As much as I hate him right now, that is not even the reason I want him to just dissappear. I need him to dissappear for myself. Sometimes I just get scared that I get so depressed that I am going to hurt myself. And if he just vanished from my life, that would make it that much easier.
But no... its like he'll always be around.
I was suppose to see Carlos Mencia with him sat... I knew he asked Adil, but he couldnt go. I wouldn't have cared if Adil went bc at least w adil, I knew they were good friends. They spent weeks together, day after day.
But joey... what exuse is there?
And he thinks he did nothing wrong. And now that I have calmed down a bit, I can be ok w him thinking he did nothing wrong (although he did). And I can't even explain to him why it hurts bc it just does. How is he suppose to vanish if he's always going to be around? I WISH he left NY... he said he was going to, but I know its a lie - it always is. And when he told me that, it hurt at first, but now... now I just wish he would leave.
And its not only the carlos mencia thing... i mean, it was my ticket. WE were suppose to go together, so the thought that my so called good friend just took my place, that hurts. But besides that, then they went to a strip club. How the hell can you just go to a strip club w him? Go have a great time with him as he drools all over other girls? What kind of friend does that.
I am so angry right now I just wish I could scream. I just wish I could drive over there and fucking rip his head off. Tell him that if he wants nothing to do w me then to have nothing to do w my friends. MY FRIENDS. I wouldnt call your friends up, so dont fucking call mine.

Right now I just wish he cared that im hurting. I wish he cared at all. Joey said he spoke abt me a lot but cant even remember what he said. I mean, at least if you could remember what he said then it would have been worth him hanging out with chris. but no... I just feel like I wasted 8 months of my life.
I've been good these last 2 days... really really good. no crying, no thinking about him. And I have been sooooo happy. I had great friends, it didnt matter anymore. I even had a boy to hang out w me. A boy who I could have been w right now, but that gets fucked up also. And now... all I can do is cry and hurt and truthfully wish I was dead. I just want to know... are you happy I hurt like this? Does it make you feel good to hear I am in pain? Cuz thats how I feel. Maybe you enjoy the thought of me balling my eyes out. Even thoug only 2 weeks ago you called me up and expressed ur undying love for me. yea... UNDYING. Its gotta make u feel good that the last time you saw me I was standing in the rain crying. Did you like that? Do you feed on that? Must have made you feel like a big fucking man now didnt it. maybe we werent made for eachother, but that is no excuse for what you did. And you know what... all I wanted was an appology... a reason. something better than "ull always be a bitch". Bc guess what, you would have realized that a month in.

you know what... now that i think about it... just go fuck urself.

(no subject)

well - i was right when i said my life was falling apart.
a whole piece of me is now missing.
chris broke up w me just a few hours ago... OVER THE COMPUTER.
seems like how they always do it, fucking pansy's.
i dunno - i was upset at first, but maybe its for the best.
at least that is what every1 is telling me.
it just friggin hurts more than any other time bc 8 months is a LONGGGG friggin time to be w some1 and for it to just all dissapear.
but i've stopped crying... and its not hurting as much.
maybe because I know its for the best too.
I cant handle him... not anymore.
he never hurt me, dont get me wrong, i loved him, but sometimes you need to let go.
He was too much like my father.
I don't need another father.
who knows, tomorrow I may break down and cry and wish i was dead...
but for now I am able to be ok with this.
If this is what he wants, then I hope he can be happier now w/o me.
and who knows... maybe ill be happier too.

(no subject)

fucking bullshit
this whole life i have been leading
when did i go from too many friends to not even fucking one?!?!?!?
I am so upset - so furious - i cant even put my emotions into words.
chris has been gone for almost 2 weeks now and I am going crazy.
I think what annoys me so much is that I am the one home with my friends and yet I have barely seen any of them and havent left my house in days and he is gone and having more of a fucking life than I am. I know it is not his fault - and kudos for him having a good time when he didn't even expect to... but to sit here and hear that just infuriates me bc it just isnt fucking fair. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - its killing me.
I havent spent this much fucking time at my house in years... I can't handle it - im going fucking crazy.

i, i just cant even write about it anymore.


what a fucking weekend

wowwie zowwie
lets see - this past weekend was AMAZING.

thursday was Party at Andrews.
drunken spin the bottle :) = lesbian action... hehe.
just an overall amazing night.

but nothing... and i mean NOTHING can or ever will compare to friday night.
or as we will always refer to it... "the orgy".
I will not go into detail, because only those who were there need to know what occurred, and anyone else I wanted to know, knows already LOL.
God - this weekend was amazing.

And then there was Saturday.
I FINALLY had sex in my bed. It was AMAZING.
smokey smokey in the pool...
then bangy bangy in bed HHAHAHAHA.
I am so open now arent i???

and we always have last night.
Amy's pool for FUN FUN FUN.
With mad amounts of alcohol.
I went from sober tara to, as amy refers to it, a retarded child.
i think this conversation between my sisters boyfriend and I really sums up my reatrdedness last night:

DayUMTaRa (2:58:46 AM): letds ficuk
DayUMTaRa (2:58:46 AM): jk
MorninView 3 1 1 (2:58:53 AM): damnit
DayUMTaRa (2:58:54 AM): p
MorninView 3 1 1 (2:59:04 AM): lol
DayUMTaRa (2:59:08 AM): un siiiiiiiii fuckedo
DayUMTaRa (2:59:12 AM): no joking adikk
DayUMTaRa (2:59:23 AM): we wet the amtd, adb i darn sooooooooo msuch
MorninView 3 1 1 (3:00:04 AM): i can't understand you
DayUMTaRa (3:01:10 AM): we
DayUMTaRa (3:01:14 AM): went to amus
DayUMTaRa (3:01:19 AM): AMS
DayUMTaRa (3:01:21 AM): AMYS
DayUMTaRa (3:01:27 AM): i wentt there w xchrus
MorninView 3 1 1 (3:01:35 AM): ok
DayUMTaRa (3:01:42 AM): i am sooooooooooo fucked uop- i dont even kno w whay im saying
DayUMTaRa (3:01:57 AM): i cant seeo me compter screen
MorninView 3 1 1 (3:02:01 AM): so what happened at amys
DayUMTaRa (3:02:18 AM): sex and ALOt OF DRUBNO9JG
DayUMTaRa (3:02:25 AM): *drinking
DayUMTaRa (3:02:28 AM): I AM SORRRY
MorninView 3 1 1 (3:02:31 AM): sex as in 3 some?
DayUMTaRa (3:02:41 AM): NOT REALLY
MorninView 3 1 1 (3:02:45 AM): then what
DayUMTaRa (3:02:51 AM): they had sex ub the pool
DayUMTaRa (3:03:33 AM): chris and i couldnt fget it tight so we had it in th grass and then he tried to finger me in th epool
MorninView 3 1 1 (3:04:13 AM): oh true
MorninView 3 1 1 (3:04:19 AM): so it wasn't like the hotel the other night
MorninView 3 1 1 (3:05:46 AM): lol
MorninView 3 1 1 (3:09:08 AM): u there
MorninView 3 1 1 is away at 3:27:17 AM.

so yea - i fell in amys driveway, was FINE...
until I got up this morning and COULDNT WALK.
yea - went o the ER and I am on crutches for a dew days.
sprained my friggin ankle - the worst pain of my life.
but my baby is here now and making me feel soooooo much better :)

so a HORRIBLE ending to this AMAZING weekend... but it was worth it :)

(no subject)

man do i feel better.
these past few days have been very stressful.
Maybe I was pmsing... maybe I had a reason to be mad, but now it really doesnt matter, bc after tonight - everything is so clear.
I thank you chris, evne though I doubt you read this.
The look in your eyes tonight made me want to commit myself to you forever.
I cried... ALOT, but it needed to come out, and it did. And MAN does it feel good right now.
Just thinking over everything you said to me before - i get goose bumps.
"I may be pissed, and you may think I want to break up with you, but I don't, and won't."
It hurt me so much when he explained to me how he does whatever he can to make me happy, and there is nothing left for him to do... and hes right. I have THE most amazing boyfriend, and I could not ask for more. SO basically it hurt how true his words were.
But I am prolly rambling and making NO sense... but I just needed to write some shit out.